2 AM. That's the time we decided – in our infinite jet-lagged wisdom – would be perfect to start our Taj Mahal adventure, barely 24 hours after landing in Delhi.
"I swear to god, if he stops one more time..." Ivana muttered to me as our WhatsApp driver pulled over for the 47th time into the pitch-black Indian highway. The only light came from scattered roadside fires that looked like some kind of Boy Scout merit badge requirement gone wrong. We were three hours into what was supposed to be a simple drive to Agra, watching our driver disappear into the darkness yet again.
"Maybe he's an axe murderer," Ivana whispered, both of us too exhausted to actually be properly terrified anymore.
"Or maybe his internal voices are just haunting him with the “go piss girl” meme,” I replied. Spoiler alert: it was the latter… in fact with the way some of the roads twisted and curved, I ended up accidentally seeing the dicks of way way too many unexpecting road pissers while staring out the window.
By sunrise, we were wheezing our way through the Agra smog that was so thick it made the Taj Mahal look like a PowerPoint presentation fade effect. Our guide, however, seemed unfazed by the air quality, focusing instead on moonlighting as a matchmaker. Despite our very platonic friendship, this man was determined to recreate The Bachelor's most romantic moments with us.
"Now, Ivana, lean your head gently on his shoulder... yes, perfect! Now both of you gaze longingly at the dome..."
The surreal morning reached its peak during breakfast in a restaurant that felt like it existed in some parallel dimension – suspiciously spotless and completely empty except for us. Our guide, picking at his perfectly arranged paratha, suddenly turned wistful.
"You know," he sighed, staring into his chai, "I once gave a tour to an Indonesian girl. Four years ago. She was... special. Here look at her WhatsApp!”
Ivana and I exchanged glances across the table, wondering if this was standard tour guide small talk.
"But the distance and family stuff…” he trailed off, then suddenly snapped his attention to Ivana, his eyes widening with recognition. “Actually you... your face remind me exactly of her!”
And there it was. Nothing quite says "Welcome to India" like being your tour guide’s ex-lover’s unexpected doppelganger at 8 AM while struggling to breathe through smog 28 times the healthy AQI level.